I find that it is so easy to fill up life with so many things, and really I’m not even talking about time wasters either. This past week Vanessa and I celebrated out 4th anniversary, though it seems crazy that it has even been that long, time flies. What stinks though is that over the past few days I feel like I’ve hardly seen my wife. It really isn’t as bad as it feels like, I actually took Friday off of work and spent the whole day as a family and then had a date night with Vanessa. However then rolled in the weekend and all of it’s business. It feels almost impossible to keep everything in balance. Some days I want to just take my girls and escape it all. That’s just not realistic of course.

The complicated part is not so complicated really, only as complicated as I make it mostly. I love being a Dad but seeing my little girl grow so fast and change everyday I feel like time is getting away from me. I’m thankful for days, or nights, when I get to take care of Marissa by myself, but then at the same time I feel a bit overwhelmed without Vanessa.

I think these days what makes life a little hard for me is that I’m feeling like I don’t have clear direction for my life. This is something that I struggle with even more whenthings get so busy. I feel like I don’t even have time to stop and listen, to stop and just seek out God’s direction for my life. He has blessed me in so many ways and I don’t want to take that for granted. Well, that’s it for now, taking it one day at a time.

Recently over the course of a few weeks I applied for a job, got 2 intrviews and was offered a job. The job, in-and-of itself, I would have loved, however it would have come at a great financial cost to my family, which would have made it much harder to either adopt again or think about buying a new house. I think what was most important that came out of the whole situation was the realization that neither me or my family has any real goals or plans for our lives. God really brought that to light, and really made it apparent that without that sort of plan in mind there is no way to be able to easily make thses kinds of life impacting decisions. I did seek some wise council through the process, which was good, but I still had a hard time making a decision withouth any real plans to bounce it up against.

In the end I chose not to take the opportunity, if only for the fact that I realized a couple of things. As a family Vanessa and I need to write down some goals, and using technology for ministry really has always been a passion of mine. That second part really has me thinking harder about what it means to find a new job. I’m not sure if this is God’s way of leading me back into full-time ministry or not. I do know this, I have a lot of prayer and time with God ahead of me to figure things out. I can say this, I believe God has more in store for me than what I’m doing right now.

I think I’m coming to a point in my life where I’m having to really look hard at what is really most important. There are so many things I could be doing, and pretty much all good things. The thing that I wrestle with the most is that family comes first. What I mean is that I have can’t see my family being second to anything except to God. And in some ways there-in lies the struggle. God is first, and I want to honor and serve Him, be listening for His guidance in the things that I should do, but how do I do all that withouth feeling like my relationship with my wife might suffer, or that I’m not going to be there for my kids. I love to serve in so many ways at church, hanging out with students trying to make the website good, but it’s a balancing act for sure. What I trust in is that God will help me to see what is His path, how He wants me to spend my time.

When we are finally parents things are obviously going to change. There will be one more thing in my life that requires, unconditionally, my time. And of course that’s what I’ve chosen, well that is what I felt God led me into. I have to believe that it’s perhaps a part of His plan that we not have a child until now, since my youth group students have graduated, all but one. I’m still not certain if this is the signal for another time away from student minitries or not. I’m still seeking God’s direction there.

Well, I need to call it a night for now, perhaps I’ll get another post in before a month from now.

For me, no matter what it seems so hard to not havve regrets. Wishing I had more deep conversations, spent more time hanging out, took more opportunities to serve together, and I’m sure the list could go on. What I trust and hope in was that God was able to use me exactly as He had intended. I may never know if I really had an impact in these guys’ lives, and may even doubt when I catch glimspes of their lives down the road. What I can do is continue to keep them in my prayers and trust that God will continue to bring the righ people into their lives to continue to draw them closer to His. That is my heart and prayer.

That is what ministry is all about, point others to Him. I’m feel a bit of a struggle these days in trying to discover what God’s got planned next for me. I trust that He has exactly the right plan in the works. I’m praying that I can continue to seek His will and here His call clearly when it comes.

Well, that probably wasn’t as short as I probably intended, but then again I was never very good at keeping my thoughts short.

When I look back to my days over a year ago I see a totally different life. I was pouring myself into youth and yearning to have God change my life in amazing ways. These days I find myself plugging away at work and occasionally giving a hand at church. I wonder, have I lost site of what’s most important? Have my own desires of a wife caused me to forget what God has really called us all here to do? Tonight at our Family Life Ministries gathering we were challenged spiritually so that we could be the leaders God had called us to be. I was even honored for my service at Daybreak. I felt like there were so many others more worth to be honored than me. So many others there were pouring there lives into other people, all I was doing playing with a sound board.

I think a lot of my struggle is seeing this new chapter coming in my life and I have no idea what I’m doing. In my heart I want nothing more than to serve God and give Him all that I have. As I begin my new life with Vanessa I have a hard time seeing how that will take shape. I want to be the kind of Godly husband that I’m called to be. I want to take care of Vanessa and be the kind of spiritual leader she deserves. I know that once I come before God with Vanessa and make the life commitment to her that I am called to put her first in my life only next to God. I am to love her as Christ loves the church. All other relationships in my life will second to my wife. I think what I have a hard time with is that I’ve only ever had to worry about myself, and I didn’t worry too much about that, and I would always put myself aside for others. I now see that I must work at not letting my desire to serve others come before serving my wife. This is a big change for me, and I ask God to work in me to live that way.

I think that I have, however, been challenged to return to the Life Shapes. I really desire to keep the balance in my life. I think of the triangle “Up-In-Out” and keeping the relationship I have with God, fellow believers, and the rest of the world in balance and not letting any of those suffer. I want to be actively recognizing the kairos moments in my life and learning from them. I see a great challenge before me, one that I must rely on God for, that is the next chapter in my life. I see myself on a great adventure and I can’t help but me amazed, and terrified, overwhelmed, yet at peace, and all because I know that at the center of it all is God’s hand.

Well, of course, once again this “short” post turned into an hour long session. This sounds a little bit like old times. This week is going to continue to be crazy, but perhaps I still might have a chance to post some more. Things seem to be coming together well before the big day on March 24th. There are so many out there that I wish could have joined me for this very special day, but I know that you all are supporting us in so many ways. You can be sure that I’ll be looking to post photos and notes from the events to come. I can’t wait to heard those words Mr. and Mrs. Nolte, and they won’t be about my parents! I can’t wait to spend an amazing week enjoy God’s creation and time alone with my wife (and love of my life)! Alright, I better quite so I can get to bed. I’ve rambled on enough this even. I close this with two requests. I’d like to ask for your continued prayers for Vanessa and I as we begin our new life together. We know that our marriage can’t be what it’s suppose to be with God at it’s center. The second thing I’d like prayer for is for me. Pray that I might continue to have eyes to see God’s calling and challenges for my life, and that I have the faith to follow Him in each of those things. Ok…signing off.