I find that it is so easy to fill up life with so many things, and really I’m not even talking about time wasters either. This past week Vanessa and I celebrated out 4th anniversary, though it seems crazy that it has even been that long, time flies. What stinks though is that over the past few days I feel like I’ve hardly seen my wife. It really isn’t as bad as it feels like, I actually took Friday off of work and spent the whole day as a family and then had a date night with Vanessa. However then rolled in the weekend and all of it’s business. It feels almost impossible to keep everything in balance. Some days I want to just take my girls and escape it all. That’s just not realistic of course.

The complicated part is not so complicated really, only as complicated as I make it mostly. I love being a Dad but seeing my little girl grow so fast and change everyday I feel like time is getting away from me. I’m thankful for days, or nights, when I get to take care of Marissa by myself, but then at the same time I feel a bit overwhelmed without Vanessa.

I think these days what makes life a little hard for me is that I’m feeling like I don’t have clear direction for my life. This is something that I struggle with even more whenthings get so busy. I feel like I don’t even have time to stop and listen, to stop and just seek out God’s direction for my life. He has blessed me in so many ways and I don’t want to take that for granted. Well, that’s it for now, taking it one day at a time.

Recently over the course of a few weeks I applied for a job, got 2 intrviews and was offered a job. The job, in-and-of itself, I would have loved, however it would have come at a great financial cost to my family, which would have made it much harder to either adopt again or think about buying a new house. I think what was most important that came out of the whole situation was the realization that neither me or my family has any real goals or plans for our lives. God really brought that to light, and really made it apparent that without that sort of plan in mind there is no way to be able to easily make thses kinds of life impacting decisions. I did seek some wise council through the process, which was good, but I still had a hard time making a decision withouth any real plans to bounce it up against.

In the end I chose not to take the opportunity, if only for the fact that I realized a couple of things. As a family Vanessa and I need to write down some goals, and using technology for ministry really has always been a passion of mine. That second part really has me thinking harder about what it means to find a new job. I’m not sure if this is God’s way of leading me back into full-time ministry or not. I do know this, I have a lot of prayer and time with God ahead of me to figure things out. I can say this, I believe God has more in store for me than what I’m doing right now.

I think I’m coming to a point in my life where I’m having to really look hard at what is really most important. There are so many things I could be doing, and pretty much all good things. The thing that I wrestle with the most is that family comes first. What I mean is that I have can’t see my family being second to anything except to God. And in some ways there-in lies the struggle. God is first, and I want to honor and serve Him, be listening for His guidance in the things that I should do, but how do I do all that withouth feeling like my relationship with my wife might suffer, or that I’m not going to be there for my kids. I love to serve in so many ways at church, hanging out with students trying to make the website good, but it’s a balancing act for sure. What I trust in is that God will help me to see what is His path, how He wants me to spend my time.

When we are finally parents things are obviously going to change. There will be one more thing in my life that requires, unconditionally, my time. And of course that’s what I’ve chosen, well that is what I felt God led me into. I have to believe that it’s perhaps a part of His plan that we not have a child until now, since my youth group students have graduated, all but one. I’m still not certain if this is the signal for another time away from student minitries or not. I’m still seeking God’s direction there.

Well, I need to call it a night for now, perhaps I’ll get another post in before a month from now.

I have been married for a little over 2 years now. It’s crazy because it doesn’t even seem like it’s been that long. I’ve been living in MI now for 3 years. These past 3 years have had their share of ups and downs. In the past year it has felt like more downs then ups, or at least a lot of roller coaster rides.

My wife and I have been trying to start a family for over a year. It was a very long time until we finally got pregnant. That was back last October. We were about to head down the road of trying to get fertility treatment and then we got the exciting news. We started some of the preparations, including some house work to have the proper room we need for a baby. We had the first doctors visits and then at 12 weeks we had the appointment to hear our babies heart beating. They didn’t hear it, but assured us that it happens, so they got us in to do an ultrasound. After some time they informed us that they baby had no heart beat. I can’t even begin to explain the heart break that it was. Honestly, I think I would much rather have someone smash all my fingers with a hammer then go through that heartache. This lead us right into December, the busy month that it was.

I would have to say that was probably the hardest month of my life. The chasm the was between me an God was pretty big. It took all I had to go to Flood on Sundays, and even to attending services. I honestly didn’t even know what I was doing by going to Flood. How could I lead students when I was so far from God? It took time, and God working on healing my heart. I did all I could to try and support Vanessa through this time as well. It was a pretty big strain on our marriage, that’s for sure. I really felt healed and finally at peace with it all when I completed the membership class at church. Got used that evening to finally bring me back to Him. Later that month I even got baptized.

March came, and so did our anniversary. Wouldn’t you know it, my wife shared with me that day after I headed to work that we were expecting again. What an amazing anniversary gift. Unfortunately, a week later it was over again. We were already cautious after the first miscarriage. And this time we were able to accept that the time just wasn’t right.

Life went on and we still kept on trying to get pregnant. The beginning of June we found out we were expecting once again. At this point it was hard to really be excited about it. Vanessa had thought maybe she was for about a week at that point and finally did another test to make sure. Actually, I think she even had blood work done to check before she shared it with me. She had her first doctors appointment and everything went well, due to the previous miscarriages they decided to do an early ultrasound to check the baby’s growth. It was setup for June 22nd. I wanted to be there for sure for that appointment. We went in and we were nervous. Our only ultrasound experience at that point was the disappointing news we got that we lost our baby. This time we were totally blown away because we were told, and shown that we were having twins. It was amazing. The whole thought of having twins, what a blessing. There was still a part of us that was concerned as we were only 7 weeks in to the pregnancy. Our next appointment was set for July 15th. We waited through the next few weeks. And that brings us to now.

So yesterday, Friday, my wife told me in the morning that she had seen some blood. This was a concern for both of us and I asked if she would be able to get in for an ultrasound. She was going to check and let me know, I head off to work. My wife called me and said that she was able to get in for the ultrasound. I got there from work and waited for Vanessa to arrive. We checked in, waited for a bit, then went back to get the ultrasound. It took awhile, a lot of silence, something that was not fun. Then we got the news, there are no heartbeats. We were shown the ultrasound and could see our babies there with no movement.

That day turned into a very long day. After finding out we had to sit and wait for the doctor to talk to us. Then we decided to have surgery to remove the pregnancy so that they could do some testing to try and figure out why this is happening.

So here I am once again. I’m broken, and all I have is questions. Questions I feel will never be answered. I can’t blame God for this, but at the same time how to I be thankful, or understanding. I feel like this 1 area of my life has just continually been taken away from. I feel like it’s been dangled in front of me then snatched away. I wonder, what is wrong with me? Am I defective? Have a sinned in such a huge way that this is my consequence for it. Has God decided that I will never be blessed with a family, never be a father. Will I never get to watch my kids grow up? Will I never get to put a bandaid on their scratches, never kiss them good night, never push them on a swing, never teach them to ride I bike? If I’m not to be a father then why let this carrot be dangled in front of me? Can this desire just be taken away?

At times I just feel sorrow, at other times I feel anger, and then I’m just left with a feeling of depression. Is this all my fault? Did I not care for my wife like I should have? I had someone ask me last night how I was doing. What do I really say to that? Honestly, I can’t even look at children, especially babies. I feel disgust reading about things other post about their kids, or being pregnant. I feel jealous, and irritated at the very fact that there are people out there that don’t even realize how much of a gift their children are to them. I would have given my own life if it could have kept our babies alive and growing.

I want to have faith. I want to believe that God has something bigger planned, that the timing just wasn’t right. I just don’t see how that makes it better. It doesn’t ease the pain, or make it go away. How is any of this God’s plan? I can’t see Him deciding, I think I’ll give Tim and Vanessa these babies for a few months, then I’ll just take them away, they need to learn to rely on me. Really, is that what it’s about, a test?

How many tests of a man’s faith can he take. Job lost everything, and in the end God blessed him beyond what he had lost. I suppose one could say that God was testing job, but that is not how the story goes. God knew that Job would stick by him no matter what, but Satan thought otherwise. Job did get to the point where he questioned God, wanted God to explain Himself. I guess, I almost feel myself entering that place as well. I read Job, that was the first place I turned yesterday. I sought some sort of answer, some reassurance. Job lost it all, how did he get through it all. What did I find? Well, really, it came down to faith. And not questioning God.

Where does that leave me? Questioning myself I guess, looking for fault in myself, in my own life. If it’s not God, then is must be me right? Maybe I’m in the wrong for even wanting to have kids? Perhaps I’m not following God’s will in all of this? Perhaps I’m choosing to have a family that God does not want for me? Maybe I’m living the life that I wanted and not the one that God intended for me? Maybe it all comes down to that? Perhaps I have gone down a path that I have chosen, and as a result this is all just consequences of me choosing that path?

These are all questions I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer too. There isn’t scripture that is going to answer this for me. All I have is God’s promises, and it’s taking everything that I have to just hold onto those promises. Every day I have to choose, trust or question. I want to trust, with all that I am I want to trust. And that is the one thing that is that hardest thing to do right now.