Ode To The Night…

Well, here it is almost 11 at night and I’m wide awake, well sort of. I really should have been getting ready for bed an hour ago. When you become a night owl it sure is hard to change. Well let’s recap some of the week a little. I’ve had some interesting conversations this week. I have to say God has really been speaking to me this week, of course He tends to do that when you’re diving in the Word. Also He has been bring about opportunities for me that I just didn’t think were out there. I’ll be joining a group going through Life Shapes on Sundays, tomorrow I’ll be heading to Fargo for a get together at Holly Hanson’s, not sure who all is going to be there. Today Joel Egge took me out for lunch, it was mostly small talk and work related, but that was just fine. I would say that I don’t have too many conversations with people at work. In the break room I mostly listen to the conversation.

During the morning break I got into a good conversation with Bruce Stumbo. He was telling me about a question a pastor asked him, concerning what post-college people were reading/studying. I had to be honest that I haven’t really been reading much. I told him of the devotional I’m reading and about my excitement to be going through Life Shapes. The conversation move to the topic of how the church addresses the needs of people my age and in my stage of life, the post-college and pre-family people.

We’re kind of a unique group I’d have to say. I find it to be a hard point in life. For someone like myself, the more quite and introverted, it’s very hard to find places to have a circle of friends that are like-minded or at the same place in their life. During college you have all of these sort of automatic social circles to be apart of, and when you get married and start a family that brings about another sort of automatic social group.

As we talked about this subject it really made me realize, more obviously, that it seems that this group that I’m in does not function well at Bethel. I guess what I mean is that either this group is so small, to non-existent, or involved in other things besides Bethel. Also it just seems that this group isn’t considered much in the things that go on at Bethel. I’m not faulting the Bethel staff exactly, I know that last year Pastor Dave tried to establish something, but it seemed that those that did get involved were very non-committal about activities. I remember getting together to try and plan activities, don’t recall what ever happened to that.

Well, needless to say, after talking about what I was looking for in a group, the inevitable subject came up concerning relationships. And no folks we’re not just talking friendships, yeah you guessed, the intimate kinds. Bruce made a comment, “Sounds like your looking for a wife.”, my response “Yeah, that’s easier said then done.” of course there had to be a woman there to bring up someone they know in town that is available. I wonder sometimes what my response looks like to people when they make those comments. I know in my mind I’m a little frustrated and I’m rolling my eyes at them. I tell you it sure seems to be a Fergus/LB thing to be match makers. I do understand that people general are just doing so out of care and kindness. For me however I don’t get what I’m suppose to do about it. It’s in no way my nature to just call someone up to go on a date. And yeah, I know it can be said that it doesn’t have to be a date, just go for coffee and get to know them. Let’s be honest here people when a guy and a girl get together so they can “get to know each other” isn’t that a date? I’ll admit I’m the greenest guy around when it comes to the whole subject. What am I suppose to do? Honestly I think I’m really just up a creek. In my mind the ideal situation is to meet someone in a social circle, get to know them, become friends, and then boom it’s suppose to hit that maybe this would be a relationship to take farther. You know what? Over my 10 years out at camp I’ve made a load of friends, that of course includes girls, and I would say that once they became friends I don’t know how I could see them as more than that. Alright, my point on here is to be honest right? So perhaps there have been a couple cases where that isn’t true. Basically though I may have thought there could be more, that sure wasn’t going to happen. I honestly think that God may not have it in His plan for me to find someone. I really don’t think I’m the kind of guy women are interested in. It takes a pretty unique girl to be interested in a geek, let’s be honest here. I know people would probably object to that and make some reference that there is more to me than a geek. Which I would agree that I’m probably not the uber-geek, but I think there’s enough geek in me to make any woman run away in fear. Yeah, so I’m getting all negative I suppose. I’m just trying to be honest here. How many geeks of my calibre do you see with a girlfriend, let alone being married. I’d better stop before I get a flood of emails from people disputing me or thinking I’m depressed. I’m just trying to face the facts. Oops, going to get it for that one, of course much of what I’ve said is speculation, there is not much that presents itself as fact.

It would be funny to see the results of a survey of all the girls I’ve gotten to know over the years. I’d be willing to bet, that if asked if they’d ever consider dating me if I’d pursued it, that there’d be like a 300-1 shot that one of them would say yes. Ok, I’ve gone on long enough. Hey when I get off on this whole relationship issue you have to realize my experience with the whole subject is pretty negative. Yeah, it’s probably be different if I’d have dated in high-school and done the dumping. Fact is, yes REAL fact, that the only two relationships I’ve ever had I was on the receiving end of the dumping. So how can I think otherwise that there isn’t something wrong with me. I am what I am, and I really don’t think that’s what girls are looking for. Ok so be it, God’s got the plan down, He’ll obviously change my thinking on this if He’s got something in store. He’s ultimately in control of it all, but for me there just doesn’t seem to be a reason to hope for anything. The only hope I have is in the Lord, and I trust in Him to reveal His plans to me when He sees fit to do so.

Well, seeing as how this post got way out of hand. I’ve had some interesting comments about my writing. Laura, Chad’s wife thinks I’m intriguing, and Joel thinks I have an interesting writing style. I would have to say that I write in sort of a dialog manner. Really, it’s as if I’m carrying on a one-sided conversation with someone. Funny thing of it is, this is kind of how I talk with myself. It’s not quite like this, I’m still writing here as if someone else is reading it. I’m starting to see however that my desire to be clear about what I’m saying really comes through in this writing, at least I would hope it would.

Ok, now to end things. So I finally broke down and bought a digital camera this week. I suspect it will be here either next week or the week after. I didn’t get the latest and greatest, I simply bought a unit I could afford but has has great reviews. So on it’s way soon will be a Canon PowerShot A510. Compared this with the little bit newer A520 which is 4mp and figures I’d save the $50. This should be an excellent starting place for me. If I really get into taking photos then perhaps at some point in the future I’ll make a move to something better. Well, the night owl won again. I need to finish up my self survey for the thing we’re doing at work tomorrow. Then it’s off to bed I go. Chow!