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What’s Up With Me Today…

Of course, anyone that read my blog earlier, or will read my earlier post, will know that my day started out kind of crappy. Let’s just say that my mind and emotions got the better of me. Thanks to God for great friends and encouragers. I’m not sure if perhaps Caristy read my blog and told John to invite me out with the seminary students for lunch but it made a huge difference in my day. I won’t doubt that this was just God at work. I also got some very encouraging words from Cassie, thanks.

I kind of shared breifly tonight with Andrew about the issue I have, and what caused all my problems this morning. Here it is for all to see. I suppose this will cause and of the eHarmony prospects to run for the hills, but I need to just get this out in the open.

This is the problem I deal with. For as long as I can remember, at least since my earliest high school days. I’ve know I wanted to get married someday and have a family. At that time I dreamed of finding a high school sweetheart and we’d be together for the rest of our lives. Kind of a rediculous dream now as I think about it. Well I had my first girlfriend back then and I made some stupid choices in what I shared with her, I guess some things don’t change easily. That relationship ended and I was devastated. It was so bad that I actually played sick so as not to have to go to school. At that time I basically gave up on ever being in a relationship again. In my mind I had ruined my one and only chance. I pretty much held to that for all my years of high school.

When I started college I began to feel that perhaps there could still be someone out there for me. It wasn’t until my later years in college that I actually stepped out and attempted to express interest in a few of people. All of these attempts failed miserably. I think this was mostly due to having so little experience in this area since I had ignored the whole subject for so many years. This set me back again for a few more years, until I felt comfortable to have at it again.

This time I decided with being the geek that I was I aught to try the whole online thing. Well I’m not what you would call “well to do”, I still live pretty much paycheck to paycheck. It’s only the sometimes side jobs that I have, that help me with extras. I tried to find some online dating thing that was Christian and free. Well I stumbled upon a service that looked to fit the bill. Someone contacted me on their and so began the saga.

We began with emails, move to IM, then to the phone. We talked for hours on end. Thank goodness for free nights and weekends that’s all I have to say. Can I just say I had a month with like 3000 minutes used. Oh brother! Well we met for a weekend that seemed to go very well. We both met each other and our families. Then I saved my pennies and flew out to her family’s for Thanksgiving. It started out wonderful, by the end of the 4 days I was there something changed. To this day I don’t know what happened. Basically hours before my flight home she told me it was most likely over. Talk about the worst flight of my life. Then Monday came and she sent me an email basically telling me that she had decided it was over. I was crushed, huge. The details of it were that before the trip out she was looking at moving to Minnesota for school. And we were seriously talking about getting married. Actually, I’ve only told a couple people this, but I actually did buy a ring. I pretty much dropped out of a lot of activities after that. It’s taken the past year to finally get beyond that I think.

Well, that is mostly back story I guess. The root of my problem is over analyzing everything. And wanting to make sure I am doing the right thing. I have such little experience in the relationship area that now I’m at a loss to know what is the right thing to do. I’m second guessing everything as I feel I must have done something wrong the last time. I don’t know what that was. I struggle with feelings of hopelessness in this area of my life. Thinking that I’ll never find someone. And now this whole eHarmony thing. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do with that.

So what does this mean for me? I have to daily be going to God with this area in my life. It’s a constant battle with my mind and keeping it from thinking that any of my matches is going to go anywhere, it’s in His control. I need to stop doubting everything I do in this area, but take it to Him and seek His answers. I need to rely on Him to give me patience every day. He has a plan for my life, I don’t know what that is, but I need to wait for His lead. These are the things I need to do daily. And it’s with the help of family, friends, and the Holy Spirit that I’m going to be able to do this. This is my biggest prayer need right now.

Well that was another of my long winded posts. I’m feeling pretty content as I now know that these thoughts are not captured inside my head. Thank you all for your friendship and love. Chow!

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  1. To quote Batman Begins “Why do we fall…, so we can pick ourselves up again.” Of course this quote isn’t perfect for what you wrote about. You weren’t alone in picking yourself up. God was there in a pwerful way. Knowing you has definitely shown me many ways to better my walk with Christ. Thanks Tim, you are a role model for me.

  2. wow. i don’t say it enough tim, but you really are a role model for me too. i really appreciate all the stuf fyou do for me, especially these past few weeks. i know it doesn’t relate to this topic, but it needed to be said a while ago.

    about the whole relationship dealio. its tough i’m sure. i can’t lie and say that i know what you went thru because i don’t. i don’t know what her reasonin was for leaving you out in the cold, but not only was it rude, it was stupid. You are a geek yes, and the best one i know.

    this isn’t flattery, its how i feel. anyone, and i mean anyone, would be lucky to have you someday. and someday, i think you will find someone, and it will be amazing. just keep in mind through all things, that God has a definate plan in mind for your life. You and I dont’ know what it is. It’s probably way different than what we plan for ourselves, but its also probably way better.

    i keep repeating this AudioA song “Starting over” but it really speaks to me when i’m feeling down or like its too late to start anew.

    It’s never too late
    It’s never too late for starting over

    Reclaim your innocence, start over
    Reclaim your innocence, reclaim you innocence
    Start over, start over

    your in my prayers.

  3. Relationships aren’t to be searched for… they happen. Yes desire is there to fill that void, but if you’re looking you’ll likely latch onto them too quickly. My best friends are friends that have happened naturaly… I don’t think I’ve ever gone searching for another friend. If you take 100 strangers and put them in a room, and tell them they have a week to get to know one another… friendships can form. If you put those same hundred poeple in the same room and tell them they have an hour to get to know one another… There’ll be a couple acquantences… But friendships?… It is possible and could happen… but not likely. I took this approach with my campers too. I find that if you try to force talking with them all you get is awkwardness. All relationships take time to develop… some go faster than others. Also I believe strongly that there does need to be a friendship type relationship there before the dating relationship begins. Forcing it is like glueing a handle onto a drawer and trying to use it too soon… Well I’ve overstated my point… sorry I just kept on coming up with examples. Why listen to a 28 year old single guy? Well I’m not sure… this I do know, it wasn’t until I stopped intentionally searching that I started to realize how good I’ve got it. Being single is a blessing. Marriage is a blessing. Looking from one to the other with desire is our sinful human nature. I’ve chosen to live knowing that God can move me to the other side if he chooses… but I’m not going to live my life as if I’m upset with God’s blessing.

  4. you say on my blog, anders, that i should talk seriously more often. this often involves getting sentimental. so yes… i am getting all sentimental and everything.


    that is the real story

  5. Hey Tim, I didn’t read your blog until just now so it was just a God thing that John invited you to come out to Pizza Ranch with us. We were glad that you were able to come and it was a good conversation! I definitely will be praying for you! You are a great guy and God has the perfect girl out there and it will just happen and it will be natural and you will be connected! I pray that you have patience and that you will just follow God’s will for your life!

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