I kind of shared breifly tonight with Andrew about the issue I have, and what caused all my problems this morning. Here it is for all to see. I suppose this will cause and of the eHarmony prospects to run for the hills, but I need to just get this out in the open.
This is the problem I deal with. For as long as I can remember, at least since my earliest high school days. I’ve know I wanted to get married someday and have a family. At that time I dreamed of finding a high school sweetheart and we’d be together for the rest of our lives. Kind of a rediculous dream now as I think about it. Well I had my first girlfriend back then and I made some stupid choices in what I shared with her, I guess some things don’t change easily. That relationship ended and I was devastated. It was so bad that I actually played sick so as not to have to go to school. At that time I basically gave up on ever being in a relationship again. In my mind I had ruined my one and only chance. I pretty much held to that for all my years of high school.
When I started college I began to feel that perhaps there could still be someone out there for me. It wasn’t until my later years in college that I actually stepped out and attempted to express interest in a few of people. All of these attempts failed miserably. I think this was mostly due to having so little experience in this area since I had ignored the whole subject for so many years. This set me back again for a few more years, until I felt comfortable to have at it again.
This time I decided with being the geek that I was I aught to try the whole online thing. Well I’m not what you would call “well to do”, I still live pretty much paycheck to paycheck. It’s only the sometimes side jobs that I have, that help me with extras. I tried to find some online dating thing that was Christian and free. Well I stumbled upon a service that looked to fit the bill. Someone contacted me on their and so began the saga.
We began with emails, move to IM, then to the phone. We talked for hours on end. Thank goodness for free nights and weekends that’s all I have to say. Can I just say I had a month with like 3000 minutes used. Oh brother! Well we met for a weekend that seemed to go very well. We both met each other and our families. Then I saved my pennies and flew out to her family’s for Thanksgiving. It started out wonderful, by the end of the 4 days I was there something changed. To this day I don’t know what happened. Basically hours before my flight home she told me it was most likely over. Talk about the worst flight of my life. Then Monday came and she sent me an email basically telling me that she had decided it was over. I was crushed, huge. The details of it were that before the trip out she was looking at moving to Minnesota for school. And we were seriously talking about getting married. Actually, I’ve only told a couple people this, but I actually did buy a ring. I pretty much dropped out of a lot of activities after that. It’s taken the past year to finally get beyond that I think.
Well, that is mostly back story I guess. The root of my problem is over analyzing everything. And wanting to make sure I am doing the right thing. I have such little experience in the relationship area that now I’m at a loss to know what is the right thing to do. I’m second guessing everything as I feel I must have done something wrong the last time. I don’t know what that was. I struggle with feelings of hopelessness in this area of my life. Thinking that I’ll never find someone. And now this whole eHarmony thing. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do with that.
So what does this mean for me? I have to daily be going to God with this area in my life. It’s a constant battle with my mind and keeping it from thinking that any of my matches is going to go anywhere, it’s in His control. I need to stop doubting everything I do in this area, but take it to Him and seek His answers. I need to rely on Him to give me patience every day. He has a plan for my life, I don’t know what that is, but I need to wait for His lead. These are the things I need to do daily. And it’s with the help of family, friends, and the Holy Spirit that I’m going to be able to do this. This is my biggest prayer need right now.
Well that was another of my long winded posts. I’m feeling pretty content as I now know that these thoughts are not captured inside my head. Thank you all for your friendship and love. Chow!