Daily Thoughts

Picnics, Introverts, & Geeks…

Platbos_Reserve_Oak_Tree_PicnicSo yeah, it was a beautiful day for a picnic. It was a little windy but not bad. Maplewood is a very nice park, may have to mention it to Chad as a possible place for the next camping trip. I’m really surprised these people bother to invite me along on these things. I’ve got to be the most anti-social person around, ugh. My converstation skills are the worst. What has me baffled is that I love to listen to people, and find out about them. I just don’t know where to begin. I feel awkward, clueless, and like a dork. I know a lot of my social problems come from not thinking very highly of myself.

Yeah so, I’ve got a self-esteem problem, there I’ve said it. Ok, I’ve probably got problems with depression too, I’m sitting here and I feel like crying my head off. This is the constant battle for me. So I have an opportunity to hang out, and get to know, some people my own age for a change and what do I do. I be quiet and then start kicking myself inside about being that way. Maybe I’ve got a split personality too. I know I sure don’t act the same out in public as I do when I’m alone. I can tell you it’s no wonder my chances are slim that I’m ever in a relationship, who wants to be with someone that thinks so poorly of themselves. Yeah, sure I’d probably worship the ground she walks on, risk my life for hers, but how much does that really mean if I think I’m not even worthy to have someone in my life anyways. There are people all around me that honestly care about me. Yet, I can get past myself, the disappointment I feel when I don’t step out and take a chance. It’s pretty pathetic, anyone else would probably be very happy to be in my position, yet I feel like such a loser. Why can’t I just be happy with the way things are? On to a recap of the weekend before I completely lose it.

So Friday my computer upgrades came. During lunch I proceeded to do the memory upgrade, it’s pretty easy. So wouldn’t you know the memory wouldn’t recognize as a 1GB only half that. Tried reseting the PRAM, nothing. So gave up on that, actually called Tech Support a million times before I finally got through and found that others were having the same problem and they’d be replacing it for me. Settler got cancelled partly cause John was just too busy to try and squeeze that in and I thought I might need to work on that website job. Well I still never got any content for the website job so I couldn’t start on that. I figured I tackle upgrading my hard drive. Well at about 4:30am Sunday I finally went to bed while the old drive was being cloned to the new one. When I woke up everything was good to go. Basically the story went I had about a million screws to removed to do the hard drive upgrade. My laptop was spewed all over the place in pieces.

Well I didn’t do a whole lot Saturday, other than make some potato salad for the picnic today. That night was the trip to Alex, with some youth, to see Serenity. The bummer was the movie was showing on one of the crappy screens. It sounded as though it was playing in mono. The movie was still good though. I concur with most of the geeks reviews of the movie. It had a great blend of action, drama, & comedy. I’m really interested in finding some of the Firefly TV shows that Serenity is based on.

So came Sunday. Got up, got ready, and headed to the study group at Field of Beans. Today we were going through the square Life Shape. Talking about leadership/discipleship. I’d already had some prior study and discussion about this back in June on the way to convention. Armin Jahr had the messages on all the shapes on CD, and the square was one of the messages we listened to. It got me thinking again about how I lead the youth praise team. If I am going to realize my dream for the team I’m going to need to apply the square in terms of leadership. We decided to continue with the square discussion next week, I also braught up my continued thoughts on the learning circle. I find I have a hard time being able to complete the cricle. It’s very easy for me to observe, reflect, and discuss. I just can’t seem to get to plan, account, action. Not that I don’t want to, I either get lost in the discussion, or find I haven’t had enough discussion, or I just don’t know what action to take. Todd thought we might talk about the circle and how it can be used with the square next week. Sounds like we may just try to get through the intros on all the shapes then come back to them and how we are doing with applying them. It’s been a good group to be apart of. I’m kind of the odd person in the group. I’m the youngest and I’m single. Everyone else is married and a lot older than I am. I guess I really don’t care. I’m most interested in learning about the Life Shapes and being able to apply them to my life. I guess this could be partly due to me want to have my life and attitude fixed.

So church was pretty great today. Pastor John Kilde game them message which was excellent. I always like how Pastor Kilde gives his messages. It was also Pastor Foss’s installation as head pastor. I really didn’t stay for the reception afterwards. I needed to get stuff together for the picnic. So I ran home, got my stuff together, fixed the compartment in my car that was falling all over. And headed over to Kari’s.

So yeah that was pretty much my weekend. When I got home I made a couple of cheesy brats, yum. Joe was on IM and I chatted with him briefly. I saw Krista on, don’t normally see her one much, so I chatted with her a little. She made the comment that she was reading my blog, oh boy. Seriously, I may have to close my blog to the public. It’s really not very good to subject the world to my ramblings and depressing thoughts. I actually had a short discussion about this with my Mom the other day. At least I feel she probably shouldn’t read it, she has made comments where it seems she blames herself for the way I am. It’s not her fualt whatsoever. I think I’ve just had some crappy things happen in my like to really screw me up. And that’s not my parents fault. Yeah, so of course, the guy that can’t stop typing has wasted another million characters in the digital spaces. It sure is nice to have a dog that loves you no matter what. I thank God for dogs. He could have forgotten about the cats but I guess there are some that like those things.

So yeah the two greatest things in my life right, God of course, and my dog. Chow!

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4 Comments

  1. i agree with the thing about cats. i’m ok as long as they stay in the road where they belong.

    as for the rest of it. your not a loser for the last time. you are a cool guy with a cool personality. everyone is different. everyone deals with the world differently.

  2. Just have to say that you make a really mean potato salad! Totally understand what you were saying about liking to be with people your age but then not know what to say and just wanting to listen because I’m the same way. Glad that you were able to join us for the picnic and the hike. Even though we lost you for some time on the hike.

    P.S. Cats are nice and pretty and God put them on the planet for a reason (not sure why?) but there is a reason!

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